The scent is green tea

I was reading this yesterday.

I really identify with Yvonne's feelings about her body and her weight. Almost everything she's ever written about it, I could've written at one point or another (me and a lot of other women - I don't even have to read the comments to know that they are there). Presently, I am kicking myself for regaining a significant amount of weight between November and today. About 25 pounds. Or so. It's hard for me to think about, really. I was so close. Not to being "thin," but to achieving the goal I'd set for myself before getting pregnant again.

I had read this diet book that made a lot of sense to me and I followed the plan very well and lost a lot of weight very easily and everything was extremely rosy. Then my brother came to visit. And with one simple brunch I started back down the path I'm on today. Then with the Christmas cookies. And some really good Thai food.

But I had an idea yesterday while I was grocery shopping. Because I am so very tired of it all. I don't want to go on another diet. I don't want to count calories or eat all salads, all the time. I don't want to spend hours at the gym. I just want to live. My life. Now. And be happy. Considering all my other blessings, this is not too lofty a goal.

So my plan is to put into place the good habits I want in my life, to create that "no-fail environment." Eat good and healthy food. Exercise. I'm going to lift some weights. None of this is revolutionary. But I also want to start taking care of myself now, as I am. For example, I have one pair of workout pants that I've been wearing whenever I go out. I need some clothes that fit and that I don't hate. That's quite the feat, I'll tell you, but it can be done. And it doesn't have to happen all at once. None of this has to happen all at once.

Yesterday I bought a pretty soap. I know that doesn't sound like much, but right now it means a lot to me. Right now I'm not even washing my face and putting on lotion every night. If the me from three years ago could look ahead and see me doing that now, she would not even be able to wrap her head around the concept of not caring about going to bed with a dirty face. Yes, things have slid. Lots of things.

But I don't just want to say I'm going to love myself as I am and use that as an excuse not to get healthier. Goals are good. What I want is to see things straight enough to live in the moment and not feel embarrassed by my weight, no matter what it is. If I can't weigh 50 pounds less rightnowthissecond, then I can dress like I care what I look like, like I deserve to be here. I can put bottles of lotion around the house for my hands. I can shave my legs more than once a month. I can wear some earrings once in a while. I feel rough; I don't like it. I don't feel like me.

So while I was picking out my pretty soap I had the idea that if I start taking care of myself in a few small ways, that will give me the strength to keep reaching for my goals. One action will lead to another and I will pull myself out of this rut.

I have this recurring dream that I am walking in a circle and I can't stop. The wind is blowing and books and papers and rocks are flying around the room in their own mini-tornado, as I walk endlessly around and around and around. Until just this moment I always wondered what that dream could mean and why I would have it repeatedly; I couldn't even venture a guess. My issues aren't magically solved by this revelation, of course, but I am feeling more peaceful. And hopeful.

It's all a work in progress, this life.

Comments

[Shelli]

Maya, I love you. You are so courageous.

My old roommate and I were walking in the Botanical Garden once, and we saw a sign that said, "Pardon our progress..." Of course, for the garden, it meant the revamp they were doing. But it sang out to us, and I often think of that now. "Pardon my progress." This whole life is a work in progress.

I understand that I don't have the same weight issue that you do, but I've felt many of the same feelings. And, as a matter of fact, since November, I've gained 10 pounds. Thanks to stopping the breast feeding and all that chocolate George bought me for Christmas. Ate it in a month! A shoebox full of chocolate. Crap.

It is just so frustrating. It does feel like you're walking in a circle with life throwing things at you, and you don't know how to walk a straight line and just get from A to B.

It is so hard to love ourselves. A long time ago I had to stop thinking about food period. I can't even think about restrictions or I hyperventilate. I did too much of that once, and even though I risk gaining 10 pounds by eating a shoebox full of candy bars in a month, I'd rather just be easy-going about food and try my best to eat sensibly and exercise and fill my time with things I love to do like writing and walking.

I do wish I could afford to buy some new clothes. It's the pits to feel icky. But I can afford to work on my inner-me, so that's what I do. But, yes, you should pamper yourself. Fake it if you have to. It'll wear off on you and others. Do whatever it is you have to do to learn how to love yourself. There's so much to love, Maya. I swear. You're so talented, and you're a great mom. Everything else is icing on the cake.

[sheri]

I thought I was the only one shaving once a month. I can so identify with this. I gained 25 lbs after having grace. Before I got pregnant with her I had lost 60. Now with the pregnancy I am back up there. Add on the 25 lbs of carrying her around....Ugh! Pretty soap is a good start. I did that too and some really good shampoo and conditioner.
Now if I could just see down there to shave more often. lol
Just the little things we can do for ourselves here and there have a big impact.
Don't worry you will get there. It seems like you are the type of person that can accomplish anything she sets her mind to.

[Rachel Whetzel]

Um, TAKE ME WITH YOU!!! Very good idea. Very Fly Lady... you can DO IT!

[shelley caskey]

i just discovered your blog thru soulemama and this post is really resonating with me. i can't remember the last time i shaved my legs! thanks for the honesty and openness. i also connected to your posts about your grandparent's house. i have a very similar memory for my grandma's house and when i need to get out of a funk - i just close my eyes and go there! i'll be visiting your blog regularly. :) - shelley, waldorfmama.com (mama to my own maya!)

[Aimee]

It is amazing how we find each other on the internet. Maybe there is some kind of common vibe that brings us all together.

What you write here could have been picked straight out of my brain. Especially the part about taking care of oneself. I have let it slide big time too. It's hard finding the balance but we must for ourselves, right?

Thank you for your honesty. And btw, I found you through Shutter Sisters. :)

[Shalet]

First off - gorgeous picture! And second, I love your idea to take baby steps to caring for yourself. It is easy to slide isn't it? Some days its all I can do to get out of my pajamas. But, those little things can make you feel sooooo good. And you are worth it - no matter what your weight.

Found on Shutter Sisters. :o)