I was reading this yesterday.
I really identify with Yvonne's feelings about her body and her weight. Almost everything she's ever written about it, I could've written at one point or another (me and a lot of other women - I don't even have to read the comments to know that they are there). Presently, I am kicking myself for regaining a significant amount of weight between November and today. About 25 pounds. Or so. It's hard for me to think about, really. I was so close. Not to being "thin," but to achieving the goal I'd set for myself before getting pregnant again.
I had read this diet book that made a lot of sense to me and I followed the plan very well and lost a lot of weight very easily and everything was extremely rosy. Then my brother came to visit. And with one simple brunch I started back down the path I'm on today. Then with the Christmas cookies. And some really good Thai food.
But I had an idea yesterday while I was grocery shopping. Because I am so very tired of it all. I don't want to go on another diet. I don't want to count calories or eat all salads, all the time. I don't want to spend hours at the gym. I just want to live. My life. Now. And be happy. Considering all my other blessings, this is not too lofty a goal.
So my plan is to put into place the good habits I want in my life, to create that "no-fail environment." Eat good and healthy food. Exercise. I'm going to lift some weights. None of this is revolutionary. But I also want to start taking care of myself now, as I am. For example, I have one pair of workout pants that I've been wearing whenever I go out. I need some clothes that fit and that I don't hate. That's quite the feat, I'll tell you, but it can be done. And it doesn't have to happen all at once. None of this has to happen all at once.
Yesterday I bought a pretty soap. I know that doesn't sound like much, but right now it means a lot to me. Right now I'm not even washing my face and putting on lotion every night. If the me from three years ago could look ahead and see me doing that now, she would not even be able to wrap her head around the concept of not caring about going to bed with a dirty face. Yes, things have slid. Lots of things.
But I don't just want to say I'm going to love myself as I am and use that as an excuse not to get healthier. Goals are good. What I want is to see things straight enough to live in the moment and not feel embarrassed by my weight, no matter what it is. If I can't weigh 50 pounds less rightnowthissecond, then I can dress like I care what I look like, like I deserve to be here. I can put bottles of lotion around the house for my hands. I can shave my legs more than once a month. I can wear some earrings once in a while. I feel rough; I don't like it. I don't feel like me.
So while I was picking out my pretty soap I had the idea that if I start taking care of myself in a few small ways, that will give me the strength to keep reaching for my goals. One action will lead to another and I will pull myself out of this rut.
I have this recurring dream that I am walking in a circle and I can't stop. The wind is blowing and books and papers and rocks are flying around the room in their own mini-tornado, as I walk endlessly around and around and around. Until just this moment I always wondered what that dream could mean and why I would have it repeatedly; I couldn't even venture a guess. My issues aren't magically solved by this revelation, of course, but I am feeling more peaceful. And hopeful.
It's all a work in progress, this life.